So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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