My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
