tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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