So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I don't know what your problem is but seriously you're a cunt for throwing up that song on your page. It's rude as fuck
omg its myspace i didnt think anyone took that seriously anymore
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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