Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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