I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Church boner. Awkwardddd
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
