remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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