Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
