I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
