he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
