everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
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The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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