I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
