When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
