If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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