Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
