Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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