Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
