dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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