just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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