she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
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