listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
