Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
