You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
you made out with another girl for some wings
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
