I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
