I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
