cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
