We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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