my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
