Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
