When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Randomize
