dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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