Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
