i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize