3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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