Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The convent might be a nice break from real life
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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