Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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