and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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