Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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