I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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