oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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