i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
