How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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