sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
