I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
