Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
