No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
In other news, I just burned my penis
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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