im holly from the hills drunk
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
