I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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