Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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