Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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