Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
