I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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