hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
