If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
