I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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