I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
