I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
