Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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