I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
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