Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
