FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
